


Sometimes Before It Gets Better The Darkness Gets Bigger

by starrywrite



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gang Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Dealing, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-07 00:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3154568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can break my soul, take my life away, beat me, hurt me, kill me. But for the love of God, don’t touch her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes Before It Gets Better The Darkness Gets Bigger

**Author's Note:**

> zig angst <3_<3 takes place around 13x37. once again, i apologize if anything is OOC! 
> 
> (((also who else is sO excited for the gang storyline in 14b hashtag pray for zig and tiny)))

The door to the Matlin’s home is wide open and Zig’s eyebrows knit together in confusion; he can’t think of any reason why Maya or Mrs. Matlin would leave the door open in broad daylight. Shifting his backpack off of his shoulder so he can throw it on the kitchen floor as soon as he walks inside - then promptly pick it up as soon as Mrs. Matlin enters the room - and he calls out, “I’m home!” as he makes his way inside.

He’s met with silence, which he finds peculiar because Mrs. Matlin is always home, and today Maya had gotten home before him and she hadn’t said anything about going out. Surely at least one of them would’ve replied to him. Confused and slightly concerned, Zig shuts the door behind him, the sound echoing throughout the way too quiet kitchen. Zig suddenly feels unsettled, on edge even, but he can’t pinpoint exactly why he feels that way. He has no reason to feel anxious about coming home after school, right?

As he turns around, he stops dead in his tracks and he swears his heart nearly stops at what he sees. 

Vince is here. Zig doesn’t know how he found out where he was staying but he knows he’s never been more terrified than in this moment. And to make matters worse, Maya is with him, tears rolling down her face and when Zig locks eyes with her, he can see the terror in her eyes. And it’s all his fault. Vince has got one hand wrapped around Maya’s mouth, muffling her cries for help, and in his free hand, he holds a small black gun.

“Welcome home,” Vince tells him, and Zig can feel the bile rising to the back of his throat, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end.

“Let her go,” he demands, hoping to sound tough and intimidating and completely unafraid. He starts forward but Vince raises his hand and presses the the barrel of the gun to Maya’s temple, and Zig freezes immediately. 

“You know,” Vince says with a malicious grin on his face, as if he hadn’t heard a word Zig had said. As if he can’t hear Maya crying right now. “I’ve been wondering where you’ve been Ziggy. I figured she,” he presses the gun directly against Maya’s skin and she sobs a little. Zig can hear her choke out his name, muffled behind Vince’s hand. “was the reason you were ignoring my calls.”

“She’s not, I swear.” Zig is surprised he’s able to speak still, he feels lightheaded and breathless, like he could pass out at any given second. He grips the edge of the counter for leverage. “Please,” he pleads with Vince. “Please, just let her go, she has nothing to do with this.”

Vince chuckles a little, a humorless laugh emitting from his lips as he shakes his head, and he tells Zig, “Don’t you get it Ziggy? _She_ has _everything_ to do with this. See, it took me some time, but I managed to piece it all together - getting caught and going to jail? That doesn’t scare you. But this?” Vince releases Maya only to cock his gun and then point it at the back of her head. She stands there, frozen fear, choking back another sob. And Vince looks at him, smiling a little. “This scares you. And I need you scared Zig, because then I know you’ll do whatever I want you to do.” 

Zig can’t take his eyes off of Maya, the petite blonde trembling before him with tears rolling down her face and a gun pointing at the back of her head. The scene unfolding before him is like something out of his nightmares and it’s all his fault. He got Maya into this mess the day he moved in, he drug her into his drama and he put her in danger. And now he has to save her, he has to do anything he can to save her. “Look man, whatever you want, I’ll do it okay?” Zig tells him. Tears blur his vision and he blinks furiously, feeling a stray tear escape down his cheek, and his voice breaks when he says, “I swear, any - anything at all, I’ll do it. Just _please_ don’t hurt her.”

“Well,” Vince says slowly. “Since you said please.” And he lowers his hand, no longer pointing the gun at Maya and Zig can barely hold back a sob of relief. He reaches out for Maya, grabbing her and pulling her into him. He holds her as tightly as he can, he face buried in his chest and he hides his face in her hair. Tears pool down his cheeks, his shirt is stained with her sobs. 

“But,” Vince speaks up again, an edge to his tone that Zig doesn’t trust whatsoever. He goes rigid and Maya clings to him tighter. This isn’t over, this is far from over. 

Vince raises his gun once again, pointing it at Maya, unbeknownst to her.

Zig’s eyes widen in horror and he shakes his head. “No,” his voice is barely above a whisper. “No, no, please.”

Vince ignores him. “Just so you don’t forget our little deal.” And with that, he pulls the trigger. 

Zig’s body convulses as he’s pulled from his dream, awaking with a start and,gasp. He sits there for a moment, struggling to catch his breath and will his wildly racing heart to slow down. He’s shaking, the feeling of pure terror still fresh and he can’t seem to calm himself down, despite the fact that he is now awake and well aware of his surroundings. He pulls his knees up to his chest and holds his face in his hands, closing his eyes and exhaling shakily. _‘Just a dream,’_ he tells himself. _‘Just a dream.’_

Except, it’s not just a dream. He knows that, no matter what he tells himself or what he tells anyone else, he knows the truth. And the truth is no one gets out that easily.

He tried not to get wrapped up in the gang again - he really did; he wanted out of that lifestyle almost as soon as he had entered it - but Vince is convincing and his semiautomatic is even more convincing at that. And just like that, he’s dealing again and he’s risking _everything_. And he doesn’t feel safe anymore - he _knows_ he’s not safe because as long as he’s dealing and involved with the gang his life isn’t his anymore, it belongs to them. Tiny and Vince and them, his life is in their hands and they could easily take it away at any moment. 

And it’s not just his life that’s in danger anymore now. It’s Maya’s life, it’s all of the Matlin’s lives, he’s put them all at risk and _god_ he hates himself for it. If he were to stop dealing the gang could easily come for debt collection, and even if he is still dealing, Vince knows exactly how to get to him - through Maya. One wrong move, and his nightmares could become a reality. 

“Zig?”

He nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Maya’s soft voice cut into his thoughts, but at the same time he wants to sob with relief because that just means she’s okay. 

“Are you okay?” she asks, lingering in his doorway. “I heard you talking in your sleep.”

Zig grimaces, hoping that his nocturnal mumbles were intelligible and Maya didn’t hear him saying anything embarrassing - it’s bad enough he heard him saying anything at all. “I’m fine,” he tells her and hopes that he sounds convincing. 

“Are you sure?” she asks, and Zig can see her shift from foot to foot, as if she wants to come into his room, as if she’s waiting for the invitation. “You seem frazzled.”

Zig just shrugs, shifting in his bed for a moment. He can’t tell her what’s wrong, because that would mean telling her about Vince and that he’s dealing again and that there’s a bag of drugs under his mattress. “I - I just had a nightmare,” he admits, his cheeks flushing as he tells her this. He hates that he just told her that - he’s Zig Novak for fuck’s sake; he’s not supposed to be reduced to a trembling, sweaty mess just because of a bad dream.

Maya walks into his room. “Are you okay?” she asks him, and takes a seat on the edge of his bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he says quickly, probably too quickly.

She nods, not saying anything at first, but she reaches out and gives his bicep a squeeze and he finally manages to look her in the eye. “It was just a dream, Zig,” she tells him and she smiles a little. “You have nothing to be afraid of.”

She doesn’t even know the half of it. 

When he doesn’t say anything, Maya takes that as her cue to leave and she gets up. But something about her leaving triggers something in him and his heart starts beating faster again, the feeling of fear returning.

“Um,” Zig coughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck as he chokes out, “Maya?”

She stops on her way out and turns back around. “Yeah?”

“Can - no, never mind,” Zig shakes his head at himself, his nerve gone as soon as it had arrived, and he looks down in embarrassment. 

“What is it?” she asks, walking back over to his bed. He doesn’t look up, not even when he feels a dip in his mattress. 

“It’s stupid,” he insists. 

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not,” she tells him gently.

He sighs, biting his bottom his lip and he hesitates before he finally forces himself to ask, “Before you go, can I have a hug?” His face burns as soon as the words leave his lips. He feels so needy and pathetic and god he hates himself right now.

“Oh, Zig,” Maya’s voice is thick with concern and sympathy, but not pity thankfully, and she tells him, “Of course.” And she doesn’t wait for him to say anything else or initiate anything because she crawls over to him and opens her arms, immediately engulfing him in a hug.

Zig throws his arms around her, holding Maya tighter than he usually would and he buries his face in the crook of her neck, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. For a fleeting second he feels the pure horror of what happened in his nightmare and he holds her even tighter, squeezing her as if at any moment he were to lose her.

“Zig?” Maya breaks the silence. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah,” Zig lies. “I’m fine, Maya.” 

Later, Zig sneaks out into the living room and spends the rest of his sleepless night on the Matlin’s couch, because the ziplock baggie of percocets beneath his mattress is making him feel like he’s lying on a bed of nails.

* * *

Zig sighs a little, rolling over so he’s lying on his side. The Matlin’s couch isn’t comfortable at all, it’s too small for him and a bit too stiff for his liking. But he’s exhausted and all he wants is an hour of sleep - hell, he’ll settle for half an hour if that’s all he can get. As soon as he and Maya came from school, he collapsed onto the couch, deciding that his room was too far away, and he’s been lying there ever since, listening to Maya practicing her cello. 

When she stops playing abruptly, Zig opens his eyes and turns his head so he can see her. “What’s up?”

“I’m keeping you awake, aren’t I?” she asks, a guilty expression on her face. 

“Oh, no, of course not,” Zig insists and then he smiles a little. “I like listening to you play.”

Maya blushes, looking down at her cello for a moment. “Well, I’m flattered,” she says. “But seriously, I can stop playing - you need to get some rest. The bags under your eyes have bags.”

Zig rolls his eyes. “I’m fine, Maya,” he insists. Those three words have been rolling off of his tongue for days now and he’s almost starting to believe himself. “Don’t worry about me, you can keep on playing.”

“Any requests?” she asks.

“Now you know that I’m not smart enough to know any cello songs,” he replies.

“Hey,” Maya abandons her instrument to walk into the living room, standing before Zig and she says. “I told you stop talking like that. You _are_ really smart Zig, it’s one of the things I like about you.”

Zig smirks a little. “Oh, one of?” he asks. “Does that mean there’s a list?” 

With a shy giggle, Maya takes it upon herself to climb on the couch - and on top of Zig, straddling his waist and she reaches for his hands, the two of them lacing their fingers together. “There might be a list,” she says coyly. 

“Well, please, do share,” he says, a dopey grin on his face. 

Maya giggles again. “Well, for starters, I like this,” she says and she leans down to capture his lips in a kiss. Zig sighs against her lips, his hands untangling from her’s to move to hold her hips, keeping her settled comfortably on top of him. Her hands cup his face while they kiss and he can feel her smiling against his mouth, laughing lightly when their noses brush. Zig playfully nips at her lip and she lets out a squeal of surprise, exhaling “Zig!” in an embarrassed manner. 

Zig laughs, pressing his lips to her’s once more before breaking the kiss and pressing their foreheads together. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” she says back.

Zig smile widens. He’s not okay; he hasn’t gotten a full night’s sleep in days and he’s being haunted by a feeling of looming paranoia as well as guilt from lying to Maya about dealing again, but right now he has the girl of his dreams with him in his arms and right now, everything is okay. 

“Maya,” he starts, his heart fluttering in anticipation. “I l- ”

Zig clams up immediately, interrupted by the sound of glass shattering. Both he and Maya jump in surprise, and he holds onto her a little bit tighter as he sits up.

“What was that?” she asks slowly. 

“I don’t know,” Zig mutters looking around the Matlin’s living room. The window behind the couch has a decent sized hole in it, the curtains swaying as the wind outside picks up. Through the broken glass, he catches a glimpse of something - of somebody - and they run off. Zig’s eyes widen. “Is the door locked?” he asks.

“I - I don’t know,” Maya replies and Zig gets up from the couch immediately, rushing over to the front door. “Why, what’s going on?” Maya asks as she follows him. “Who’s out there?”

“It’s -” Zig stops himself. The front door is locked but that doesn’t mean they’re safe. “It’s no one,” he finally says because he _can’t_ tell Maya that it’s Vince. He just can’t. “Look,” he turns around to face her, putting his hands on her shoulders and looking her square in the eye. “You need to go to your room, okay? And lock the door. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Zig, what’s going on -” Maya’s cut off by the sound of the doorknob being jiggled roughly as Vince tries to get inside. 

Zig nearly jumps out of his skin. “Maya, go! Now!” he tells her, all but pushing her down the hall, towards her bedroom. She looks at him, eyes wide with fear and confusion, torn between following his instructions and staying behind to ensure his safety. Vince’s fist comes up to bang on the door. “Go!” 

Maya runs off after that, and Zig runs his hands through this hair, trying to come up with a solution to all of this. He has to do something, there has to be _something_ that he can do. But all he can do is back away from the door, stand behind the counter, and prays to God or whoever is out there with higher powers than his own that Vince will just go away. 

The window behind the dining room table shatters next, and Zig can see Vince’s face through the hole in the glass. He smirks and says, “I found you, Ziggy.”

Zig jolts awake in bed, shooting up as he’s pulled out of his dream. He curses under his breath, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths as he tries to calm himself down now that he’s awake. It takes him a minute to realize that he’s no longer in an imminent danger, but he still can’t shake the feeling - that looming paranoia - and before he can talk himself out of it, he throws his covers back and rushes down the hall to check the locks. 

He’s like a madman running around the Matlin’s home and checking to make sure their front door and windows are locked, and he’s thankful that Mr. and Mrs. Matlin are heavy sleepers because he’s sure he’s making all kinds of noise now. His breathing is rapid and uneven as he checks for the fourth time that the window behind the dining room table is securely locked and his hands shake as he pulls the curtains back to make sure there’s nobody outside. 

“Zig?”

Zig grimaces. Maya, on the other hand, is not a heavy sleeper.

“What’s going on?” she walks over to him, and Zig tears himself away from the window to meet her halfway.

“It’s nothing,” he stutters. He hopes he sounds casual, like he wakes up at three the morning to check the locks every night, but he just sounds breathless and afraid. “Go back to bed, everything’s fine.”

“Everything’s not fine,” Maya says slowly. “ _You’re_ not fine.”

“Maya -”

“Did you have another nightmare?” she interrupts. Zig winces when she says another; he wishes his nightmares weren’t a regular thing recently. He wishes even more that Maya didn’t know about them. 

“It’s no big deal,” he tells her. 

“It is a big deal,” she insists. “Zig, I know when you aren’t okay and you definitely are not okay lately. You’re panicky and paranoid and now you aren’t sleeping -”

“Just drop it,” Zig pleads with her because he can’t have this conversation, he _can’t_.

But Maya says, “No,” and honestly Zig shouldn’t have expected anything less. “Zig, I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be,” Zig says but he knows it’s pointless telling her that because this is Maya. She’s a worrier - especially when it comes to him and he’s never really understood why.

“Please just talk to me,” she all but begs him. “Please, maybe I can help -”

“You can’t,” he cuts in. “Maya, there’s nothing you can do, okay? I got myself into this mess, I’ll find a way to get myself out.”

“What mess?” she asks. “What are you talking about?”

Zig mentally swears at himself. Why did he have to open his big mouth? “I -”

“Just stop lying to me for two seconds and _talk_ to me!” Maya demands, growing angry and impatient with him but she falters almost immediately after and in a soft voice she whispers, “Please.”

Zig can feel himself deflate and he sinks into one of the chairs at the kitchen counter, holding his head in his hands. “You’re going to hate me,” he says after a long silence. “When I tell you… you’re going to hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Zig,” Maya insists. She sinks into a chair next to him and gently places her hand on his shoulder.

He looks over to her, terrified about what’s to come when he tells her everything. Because that’ll be it - he’ll get kicked out of the Matlin’s and he’ll be dead to Maya. Honestly, he isn’t sure what’s worse. “I -” he falters, struggling to actually _say_ it and it takes him a few tries to finally choke it out. “I’ve been having nightmares,” he starts slowly. “Recurring nightmares, actually, about... Vince.”

Maya’s eyebrows knit together. “From the gang?” she asks and Zig nods grimly. “Well, they’re just dreams, and you aren’t dealing anymore so you don’t have anything to be afraid of right?” Zig hesitates, falling silent and Maya asks again, “Right?” 

When he doesn’t say anything, Maya’s eyes go wide. “No.”

“I’m sorry!” he blurts out immediately. “I’m so, so sorry!”

“What about all that gang intervention stuff?” she asks. 

“It doesn’t work when the guy has a gun,” Zig tells her and then he sighs. “I tried so hard to stay away, believe me. But Vince got a hold of me and he wants me to start dealing again. And he’s not the kind of guy who likes hearing the word no.”

When Maya doesn’t say anything, Zig sighs again. “I’ll understand if you want me to leave,” he says. “Frankly, I don’t think I should be here either.”

“You aren’t going anywhere,” Maya says and Zig looks at her, confused. “No, you’re safe here; I don’t want you to leave.”

“I might be safe here, but that doesn’t mean you are,” Zig tries to tell her. “That’s - that’s what my nightmares have been about And now, I don’t know if it’s because I’m paranoid but I feel like Vince knows how to get to me - through you.”

“I - I don’t understand,” Maya says slowly. 

Zig bites his lip. “My nightmares are about losing you,” he admits, his face flushing. “And if anything ever happened to you, it’d be all my fault.”

“Look, don’t worry about me, okay?” she says. “Just worry about yourself -”

“I can’t,” he interrupts. “I can’t because all I care about is keeping you safe.”

“A - are you serious?” Maya asks. “How can you not care about what happens to you?”

“Because it doesn’t matter,” Zig insists. “Not to me, at least. What matters is that I keep your life out of danger.”

“Zig your life already is in danger!” Maya tries to tell him.

“I don’t care!” he replies almost immediately. “I don’t care about what happens to me - I don’t care if I get busted and go to juvie, I don’t care if Vince tries to kill me, none of that matters to me! What matters is you and making sure that you’re safe!” 

“You’re ridiculous!” Maya insists. “You’re - you’re literally insane!”

He shrugs. “I’ve been called worse.”

Maya rolls his eyes, not accepting his attempt at humor - not right now. “I don’t understand how you have absolute zero concern for yourself or your well being - how can you not care at all about what happens to you?” 

Zig sighs. “Look,” he starts. “The way I see it, whatever happens to me I probably deserve it. But if anything happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Why?” Maya asks.

Zig shakes his head. “You know why, Maya,” he says softly. “You know why, okay? Don’t - don’t make me say it.”

Maya hesitates. “Say it,” she tells him, her voice quiet and timid. 

Zig just stares at her for a moment. “Wow,” he finally says. “Wow - are you serious right now?”

“What?” Maya asks, confused. 

“Are you seriously getting some sick kind of pleasure out of this?” he demands, a tightness in his chest that feels remotely similar to anger.

“No, I just -”

“You know how I feel about you,” Zig continues, pacing as he rants and raves to her because he’s just so _fed up_ right now. It’s bad enough he constantly has to cope with being second best in Maya’s life - he can’t deal with her making some kind of mockery about his feelings towards her. “It’s been a goddamn year of this Maya - you know how much I care about you, and you know how important you are to me. And you _know_ that I’ve been waiting around for you like some pathetic little lovesick puppy because how I can’t bring myself to get over you because I fucking love you!”

“I love you, too.,” she says back immediately and Zig freezes when he hears her says this. His eyes widen in surprise, mouth agape and unable to say anything coherent when he hears that. He must be dreaming, he probably is dreaming. And at any moment he’s going to wake up. 

“I just,” Maya hesitates and even in the dimly lit kitchen he can see a light pink blush dusting across her cheeks. “I just wanted to be sure before I said anything.” 

Zig just stands there, dumbstruck, and Maya sighs to herself before she gets up from the chair she’s seated in and she takes Zig by the sides of his face, pulling him in and kissing him. It’s sloppy and rushed at first and Zig barely recripocrates at first, but eventually he realizes that this isn’t a dream - that he can really feel Maya’s lips on his own and he isn’t going to go tumbling out of bed at any given second - and he places his hands on her hips, pulling her in close to him. Their bodies mesh together and Zig holds her tightly with no intention of letting her go.

They mutually break the kiss after a moment, both of them standing there wide-eyed and panting with Zig’s hands still firmly on Maya’s hips. Maya’s hands move down to his shoulders, not breaking eye contact and she says to him, “I love you, Zig Novak. I think I always have, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

“I - I love you too,” Zig stutters, still unable to fathom how this is all actually happening. This is the only dream that he’s wanted to come true recently. 

“I can’t lose you, Zig,” she says. “I can’t lose somebody that I love - not again.”

Zig closes his eyes, that familiar feeling of guilt pooling in his chest. “I know,” he says softly. “But I don’t know what to do.” 

“We’ll figure something out,” she insists. “You and me - we’re going to figure something out. I promise.” 

“How?” he asks desperately. Because he still has drugs on his person that he’s meant to deal out and he still owes Tiny and Vince money and he’s still involved with the wrong people and escaping them seems impossible right now.

“I don’t know,” Maya admits. “But we will figure something out. Someway, somehow. Just - just promise me you’ll try and stay safe? Promise me you won’t do anything stupid and get yourself hurt.”

“Only if you promise me the same thing,” he tells her, knowing Maya has a habit of putting herself in situations where she doesn’t belong. What was once annoying is now life threatening and he can’t bear the thought of anything bad happening to her at his expense. 

“Okay,” she says.  
“I’m serious, Maya,” he insists. “I wasn’t kidding when I told you that making sure you stay safe matters a lot to me. I care about you so much, and I don’t want to lose you as much as you don’t want to lose me.”

“Okay, I promise,” Maya tells him. Zig nods and the two of them fall into a brief lapse of silence. He’s still terrified beyond belief, and he’s still sick to his stomach knowing that tomorrow when he wakes up he’s going to have to find a way to get the hell out of dodge. But right now, in the Matlin’s kitchen with the girl of his dreams in his arms, he’s safe. And she’s safe. And he has this crazy idea that maybe now, everything might be okay. Maybe. “I love you, Zig,” she says again, cutting into his thoughts. “I really do love you.” 

He smiles a little. “I love you too,” he says. If any of his dreams over the past few days were to come true, he’s glad that it’s this one.


End file.
